Posted on by sharonrossblog

13. 11th September 2016 – Parenting theories

Over the break I have carried out some extensive research into parenting theories and have come up with my top three which I would like to share with you.  The aim of this process is to discover which theory would be most useful for me to use at the moment, whilst I am going through this difficult time (NB If you decide to plagiarise this blog for an academic essay in psychology or sociology you will almost certainly fail).

Theory one – children are resilient.  Many people are telling me this one at the moment, whilst secretly being grateful that their children have a relatively ‘normal’ life. However having observed the resiliency theory in real life with my own children – there does seem to be a lot of truth to this. Children have no previous experience to fall back on so they just get up and get on with it because it all seems normal.  My children have accepted that when mum sees a bruise on their leg, she might ask them where they got it from – even though she saw them fall over and attended to the incident last week.  It is normal for them.  They cope and they just get on with the various odd things that happen around them.  Still resilience theory doesn’t really resonate with me. It seems to suggest that it’s ok to make things bad for your children because they are resilient so it doesn’t really matter anyway.

Theory two – a classical psychological interpretation – This theory states that parents screw up their children and then the children spend the rest of their lives trying to undo the damage.  This theory was propagated by Freud, Jung, Piaget, Vygotsky and the like who believed that in these formative years a child’s cognitive and emotional development is established for the rest of their life. Oh dear, I think.  This is not good.  I thought children were supposed to be resilient and what I did didn’t really matter.  It looks like my children will spend years in therapy.

As a sub-theory to this theory is the one that says – if a mother is happy then a child is happy.  For my second pregnancy I was depressed almost throughout.  And if being depressed wasn’t bad enough the whole time I was thinking ‘My unborn child is picking up all my vibes and is going to be depressed their whole life.  How can I un-depress myself?   I am a crap mum before I have even started – what chance is there for my child?’ (I later miscarried, but that’s beside the point). And what about the one in ten mums who suffer from post-natal depression – surely all of their kids aren’t screwed up?  But there must be some truth in Freud et al’s theory – my children are not oblivious to my strange behaviour and my eldest can remember when I was chronically depressed.  There must be an impact – it must shape how they make sense of the world – but does it all have to be negative and does that impact have to last a lifetime.  What happens if some miracle happens and I get better – will my kids still be screwed up because there were some difficult years?

And then there is theory three – All a parent can do is try their best.  This is the theory I am going with for now.  I always thought it was a pretty odd theory – how do I know if I am trying my best? (Does an athlete only try their hardest when they score a personal best?).  However, I have come to understand that I am trying my best.  For me making a dinner for three kids is hard work (lots of decision making, planning, use of memory etc) – sometimes the kids have had the same meal more than once a week, often they don’t get veg and the kids only generally get a drink if they ask for one.  But I know 100% I am trying my best.  And if the kids end up in therapy in years to come, I will know that I tried my hardest for them and that life if complex and even though I tried my best it doesn’t always mean that my kids will have the future that I want for them – ie good mental health, a strong sense of self, to be a mensch (a good person who helps others) after all what else is important?

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Exciting News:  My poor suffering husband (and Boris Johnson) were right – if desperate write to your MP.  My MP Oliver Dowden wrote, on his House of Commons embossed-letter-headed paper to the specialist doctor that I want to see and told him I was feeling a bit desperate and the very busy doctor has now mysteriously found space is his diary for me in two weeks time (I would like a pad of Mr Dowden’s paper.).  The natrupathic medicine is not making a difference but this week I am going to add Lithium to see if that has an impact.

Posted on by sharonrossblog · 4 Comments

7. 18th July 2016 -Mothering whilst ill

I am not the mother I want to be, but I know that I am not alone in thinking this.

As an example of my unmotherliness, I will explain to you what happens when my children come home from school. My eight year old says, ‘I want to watch tv – where is the remote control?’  Me: Spend 20 minutes trying to find it – I feel guilty because I probably lost it. Think to self, ‘I need to make dinner.  What shall I make?  Don’t know’.  ‘What would you like for dinner?’ I ask my five year old, ‘Pasta with tuna,’ he says.  Think to self, ‘Good plan – we have plenty of time to make that.  I will go and put washing on first because I haven’t done that today.’  Go upstairs to get washing. Think to self, ‘What am I doing upstairs?’ Not sure.  See three year old taking all the wipes out of the packet. ‘Why are you making a mess? Let’s go downstairs’. Take daughter downstairs and when at the bottom think to self, ‘I forgot the washing. I will go and get it.’ Go upstairs to get washing.  Me to self, ‘Must make dinner.’  My son says, ‘I am hungry!!’  Me: Feeling guilty that I still haven’t started making dinner,  ‘Have a yoghurt’, I say (only latterly so I realise that this will mean that he will not be hungry for dinner).  Put pasta on – Not sure how much to put in saucepan so use half the packet. Put washing in the machine. Fifteen minutes later pasta is overcooked and I call children in. Elder daughter starts to put mayonnaise in tuna because she likes it with a very specific amount of mayonnaise which I don’t understand. ‘Need to clear breakfast counter,’ I think – children cannot eat from it with that much mess. My son says, ‘I will get the glasses,’ (this is his favourite job). Me to self, ‘What do I need to do now? Oh yes get – Knives AND forks and serve youngest two good on plates which will fit their meal.’ And so it goes on.

So for all of you whose meal times don’t look like this – Kol akovod (well done) – I am in awe of you (and before you suggest it – writing a list of the 25 things that need  to be done when the kids get back from school does not help).  You have the gift of memory, processing and strategic thinking.  It turns out, I realise now, that strategic thinking is not just something that management consultants do.  Almost everyone does strategic thinking as a result of processing the information around them. It helps them to be organised and make on-the-spot decisions about inconsequential things.  If you can’t strategically think and your IQ is at reasonable level – life sucks.

So I am not the mother I want to be – I want to be present with my children, to feel that in–the-moment connection, I want to be a strategic thinker who understands what is best for my children and am able to prioritise their individual needs. I want to be the solid rock that they can count on to help them along their way. But right now I can’t be that person. Neurologically it is not possible.

However, as I said, I am sure I am not alone in not being the mother I want to be.  There are probably millions of other mothers who are in my position but they just don’t announce it on Facebook! (a very silly thing to do!!!).  So for all those who are going through a tough time – whether you are, bipolar, an alcoholic, having an acrimonious divorce or have cancer –  but-really do want to be a good mother (or father), here is a list of the benefits your children can get from your imperfect situation.  Your children:

  1. Have a much better sense that life can sometimes be hard and is not always the way they want it to be.
  2. Might have to fend for themselves a little bit more than other kids. If they really want something they have to go get it themselves otherwise it might not happen.
  3. They learn sometimes they don’t get what they ask for and that is OK

And in my case, which might not, unfortunately, apply to everyone, they also:

  1. Realise that if you are open about your problems other people often show kindness

Obviously if you are going through a difficult and trying time and think this list is a load of crap then I totally get it. But if you liked the list, I’m glad it helped you.

NB I made two factual errors in last week’s blog which I would like to correct.

  1. Firstly I said that 300 people had looked at my blog. However, due to me being confused 100% of the time I got the number wrong. Nevertheless, the data implies that most of the people I know are aware of my problems.   That’s the way it should be because if I had a physical problems most of my friends would know about it.
  2. Sadly, FedEx are not taking my hair sample to Germany – it was too expensive. The idea of a man coming to pick up my hair in a white envelope and taking it all the way to Germany to be analysed for deficiencies in mineral and vitamins sounded very romantic but it was not to be. However, through Royal Mail tracking services, I can now inform you that my hair sample took the late night flight from Heathrow and is now somewhere in Germany awaiting to be taken to Hersbruck.